So You're Getting Married
by siqwithaQ
Summary: 30 different letters for 30 different husbands.
1. Portgas D Ace

_Dear Mary–Sue,_

Firstly, congratulations! You're getting married.

Secondly, I have some tips for you. Tips for dealing with your soon-to-be husband, Portgas D. Ace.

The most obvious to be said, he has narcolepsy. Don't take it personally if he falls asleep while eating the food you cooked him. And trust me, as he _is_ a D, you will be cooking a _lot_ of food from now on.

You should also get used to eat-and-run style dinners. You will be having those frequently.

Never bring up the parent topic with him. I'm afraid he's still a little sad about the loss of his mother, and talking about his father is simply out of the question.

He has daddy issues up the wazoo, if you know what I mean.

And please, don't tell him about this letter.

He thinks I'm dead.

_Your soon-to-be brother-in-law,_

_Sabo._


	2. Benn Beckman

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

Marrying that Beckman guy, huh?

I know him, he's Shanks' first mate. He's an okay guy, if I remember correctly. Nothing like his captain.

So if your gonna marry Beckman, there's one tip I gotta give you.

Be careful of Shanks.

He parties. He gets drunk. He gets other people drunk.

Trust me, you do not want to be around when Shanks is drunk.

Past that, Shanks is dangerous.

Yeah, he lures you into that false sense of security, then BAM!

He hits you with a hammer. Or something.

_Sincerely,_

_Marco the Pheonix._


	3. Blackbeard or Marshal D Teach

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

We heard you're getting married to Blackbeard.

We have one tip for you.

**Murder him in his sleep.**

_Signed,_

_The entire cast of One Piece._


	4. Brooke

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

Yay! You're gonna get married!

Lots of luck with Brooke, your new husband, and best wishes!

Oh! That reminds me! Nami says somebody has to warn you, I don't see why, you must already know all this, but I'll do it anyway.

One, he's always asking for money. From anyone. Be generous so he won't have to keep asking random people!

Two, He asks for girls panties a lot. Just… watch out for that.

Three, don't mess with his afro. Brooke loves his afro, he can't grow his hair anymore 'cause he's dead, so he really wants to keep it intact.

And lastly, Nami mentioned something about how it must be 'painful in bed' because he's all bones, but I don't know what that has to do with anything…

I geuss he wouldn't be very fun to cuddle with, though, huh?

_With love,_

_Tony Tony Chopper._


	5. Buggy

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

DAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BUGGY! Of all people, you're marrying _Buggy_!

DAHAHA– Ahem. Sorry.

But really. _Buggy_? Why?

Oh well. I have no right to question love.

But there are a couple things I must tell you.

Make no comment of his nose. Don't even say the _word_ nose, or red, or big. Definitely not big red nose. Unless you're like me and can't resist a good laugh at his expense, which I sincerely hope you are, because that would make you that much more awesome of a person.

And of course, don't insult Gol D. Roger. Or call him Gold Roger when his name is Gol D. Roger. If either of us catches you insulting him, we will hunt you down, cut you up, and feed your uterus to rabid animals.

Best wishes!

_Yours truly,_

_Shanks._


	6. Coby

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

Mary-Sue and Coby, sitting in a tree. H–A–V–I–N–G SEX!

I wonder if the Marines would let my crew attend the ceremony?

Whatever. We're coming anyway.

But if you're gonna be his wifey, there're some responsibilities you're gonna have.

For as long as I've known him, Coby's been a jittery little worrywart. It's your job to hit him when he gets annoying.

Also, don't let him let people walk all over him.

Especially not Gramps.

Gramps doesn't deserve to.

_The Future Pirate King,_

_Monkey D. Luffy._


	7. Monkey D Dragon

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

So, the revolutionary leader, eh?

BWAHAHAHAHA! Keep track of my son for me, will you? Dragon's a sneaky little bastard!

I still say you should have married a Marine.

Moreover, I still say Dragon should have been a Marine.

Oh well. You two have always been ones to throw me for loops, huh?

Also, keep in mind that at any given time you have somewhere between one and three step-sons to look after. Two of which are adopted. Somehow.

_Signed,_

_Monkey D. Garp._


	8. Franky or Cutty Flam

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

Nma… Franky? Really, Franky?

Old Bakanky is getting married. I can't believe it.

Well, you should keep in mind you'll also have the Franky Family to take care of, and they can't hold their money for more than a day. (Bakanky included)

You'll need to keep a full stock of Cola at all times. He's got a soda fetish, or something, but he's picky, and Cola's the only thing he'll use.

Remember you're with him till the end. He's going all the way across the world on that boat of his/his crew's, and therefore, so are you. That's a lot of time to spend with him, you know. It isn't easy to travel the entire world.

Maybe you can get him to wear pants, two.

_Sincerely,_

_Iceburg._


	9. Monkey D Garp

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

As you _are_ a respectible marine within his age group, I suppose I have no reason to object to your marriage to Garp. Marriage is a serious business.

Although, I've yet to see a time when Garp himself is serious, and I do not expect a simple thing like a ceremony that will bind a person to you in heart and soul for the rest of your life to be able to pull such a side of him out.

You already know this, but Garp's grandsons are pirates. Strong pirates, feared pirates…

Juvenile pirates.

You'll understand when you meet them.

Yes, they have very high bounties, but in person the sworn brothers are– _Wait did I say sworn brothers I meant blood brothers oops haha they are totally related to each other and I am definitely not just covering up some horrible truth like the older ones father was the Pirate King haha nope that would be silly where did you get an idea like that?_

Moving on.

This is something I'm quite sure you've heard of already, but I feel the need to point it out. I fell all that is required for this one is three words:

Fist Of Love.

_Regards,_

_Sengoku._


	10. Empirio Ivankov

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

I'm pleased to hear Ivankov has finally found himself a nice girl to settle down with.

…I say the above with little certainty. I'm not wholly sure on addressing Iva as a 'him' nor am I entirely positive that you yourself are a girl, because, well, you know how Iva is.

However, with a name like Marilyn Susan you must at least consider yourself a woman, so I will stand by the assumption that you are indeed female.

Nevertheless, I'm glad he's found someone who loves him for who he/she is.

There's not much I can say, as you probably know most of the important things about him already.

But I must tell you that if you hurt him I will have to dispatch some forces to be rid of you.

…Oh, I thought of something. It might be important for you to know he's pretty high up in the revolution. He probably wouldn't mention it himself until maybe years into your marriage, but I figure it would be good for you to know why he disappears for some odd portions of time.

Why, I remember that when he went to Impel Down, I at first thought he was just dilly-dallying with his mission again when he hadn't returned for a few months.

But, I suppose we can make small talk some other time, can't we?

_With regards,_

_Monkey D. Dragon_.


	11. Helmeppo

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

Congratulations! I'm very glad for you two.

Although, you haven't actually… met… me… Uh, is it too weird to send a letter to someone you've never met? Sorry…

Helmeppo talks about you a lot, though, so it kind of feels like I know you already! Ha…

I've known Helmeppo for a long time, really. So I can just tell with him, most of the time.

I remember after he met you! He came back from his mission, and he was acting so goofy, but it took me a whole week to get him to tell me why!

I was so surprised that he had met a girl. And now, I'm even more surprised that he proposed! So–

…

Oh, crap. So, um, Helmeppo just found me writing this, and actually, he hasn't proposed yet, and he was just figuring out how to.

Well, I wanted to scrap the letter, but apparently, it gave Helmeppo an idea, so here it is...

...Gah! I'm nervous!

Okay, deep breath. Inhale, exhale...

Mary-Sue, will you marry Helmeppo?

_Best wishes,_

_Koby._


	12. Eustass Kidd

_Dear Mary-Sue,_

You know, damn, I never thought I would live to see the day that the captain got married.

I mean really, Eustass Kidd, _married?_ What the goddamn fuck is going on there?

Considering I haven't ever met you, I'm guessing you're either pretty damn badass, or unwilling. When I think about it, it's more likely that you're the latter.

If that's the case, you can tell me, you know. I probably won't do anything to help your situation, but hey. I think we _all_ would want to know if our captain's marrying a kidnappee, and who exactly might we need to account for to try to get you back.

If you're the _former,_ then I look forward to meeting you when you and Kidd get back from your honeymoon. You might actually be a useful addition to the crew, especially if you can cook (a skill which is a rarity on our ship).

Not so much if you've been kidnapped.

But otherwise, your consensual marriage to Kidd is okay with me. I assure you that you can find a friend/confidant/acquaintance/love affair in me, so long as you're not a bitch.

Seriously, if you've been kidnapped, tell me right away. Ransoms are a pain in the ass to set up and take a hell of a lot of time.

_With Conflicted Regards,_

_Killer_


End file.
